It is what it is…

Life, that is.  Could be worse, could be better.  Isn’t that how it is for most people? 

First up, races!  Two to write about.  Won’t be writing much, as I’m not feeling it at the moment, but I did want to take some time and tell all my readers (hahahahaha) about them. 

The Midsouth Marathon in Wynne, Arkansas was pretty damn awesome for me.  It was hot and humid, but I ran a strong (for the most part) race.  Felt really good, or as good as one can feel during a marathon, up until mile 20 or 21.  I can’t remember which.  I was walking quite a bit.  At that point Christi, a fellow Marathon Maniac (we qualified with the same races and her number is one before mine), caught up to me.  We spent the rest of the race talking and running.  And walking.  Had she not caught up to me, I would not have PR’d.  I was somewhat hopeful that I could come in under 5 hours, and I did!!  4:34 and change.  I was so happy!  That had been my goal for a while.  And we did it!  I think I was one of the only happy people there.  Haha!  Everyone else I talked to had not so good races.  Not sure what made it good for me, but I’m not complaining. 

Next up was the White River Marathon for Kenya.  This was a kind of spur of the moment race for me.  During the last one, Christi had mentioned that she was doing it.  So I registered and we went up together.  It was damn cold at the start!  I’d forgotten to cut holes in my cheap socks for warming my arms, so they got super cold.  That made using the bathroom somewhat hard.  Three times, folks!  I had to pee three damn times near the beginning of the race!  Do not like.  Still had a great time.  Christi and I ran the whole race together and probably know more about each other than we ever wanted to.  We came in around 4:27.  New PR!  For me.  Not for her.  Maybe had I not had to pee so much, she could have PR’d as well.  I really appreciate her sticking by me.  She’s not only a pretty darn awesome running partner, she’s a pretty darn awesome human as well.  She must think I’m not so bad as well, as we have at least one more race scheduled together.  Yay!

I have a few more races on the schedule: Mississippi Blues in January, Mississippi River in February, and Little Rock in March.  Hoping to add Run for the Ranch in December and Hogeye in April.  That’ll be one in each of six consecutive months, which will get me another star on my maniacal journey.  I’ll get there.  Slowly, but I’ll get there.   If only real life didn’t get in the way of my running! 

Oh, and the previously mentioned job thing hasn’t happened yet.  Boo.  I suck.  

I don't wanna...

Yesterday was close to perfect.  Third time doing the Soaring Wings Half Marathon.  I PR'd and got under 2 hours, finally.  That's been my goal for awhile.  Yay me!  Race weekends are always almost euphoric.  I truly love to run and I love my running friends.  But this may all come to an end.  I have to get a job.  Life circumstances are necessitating that.  I like the prospect of earning money, but the kind of job I can get, with my lack of experience and school schedule, will put a stop to my free weekends.  I cry about this.  But it's time to suck it up and get out there.  If I want my life to change, I need to do this.  Sacrifice now, get the reward later.  

So, after next weekend's marathon, I will be applying for jobs.  Either that or win the lottery.  Either way, wish me luck.  

So, that was rough...

I have to say, that was the roughest marathon I have run so far.  It was worse than my first marathon.  First, I forgot my gum.  I always run with gum.  For whatever reason, it really helps me.  The rhythm of the chew, maybe?  Who can tell.  I’m a strange guy.  Despite being gumless, I started the run off pretty well.  Ran at a good pace and felt pretty good.  I had added some tunes to my running playlist and listened up until I caught up with a friend.  Turned off the ipod and chatted.  Awhile later, we decided that music would be beneficial.  My ipod was not working anymore.  Boo.  Around mile 18 I just couldn’t do much running anymore.  It was hot, humid, and hilly.  The lack of music kind of deflated me.  That and the fact that I need new running shoes.  (Owie, feet!)  I picked little landmarks to start running at and other landmarks to take a walk break.  The walk breaks got longer and longer.  Then, at mile 22ish, my Garmin quit working.  Not knowing how close I was to the next mile was horrible.  The miles just seemed to get longer and longer.  I did some crying.  I swore I was going to give up running, or at least never run another marathon.  I was a baby.  Around mile 25, a new friend caught up to me.  We walked that bad boy in.   Until we saw the photographer at the finish.   That kind of demands a run.  Can’t have a non-running finish line picture!  Got my medal, got my beer, and started thinking about when I could do it again.  There is definitely something wrong with me.  

Today's word...

Despondent: feeling or showing extreme discouragement, dejection, or depression.

This is how I've been feeling lately.  And tired.  Tired of pretending that I'm okay all the time.  It's not getting better.  Sometimes it seems that it's getting worse.  I have good moments, I really do, but for the most part, I feel crappy.  I feel angry.  The fact that this knowledge would delight some just makes me more angry.
I want an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" type mind wipeout.

Alrighty, then.  There it is.  Maybe I should take up some form of contact sport to get some of this crap out. Running, while good, does not get the anger out. 

No worries though, people.  I'll be okay.  People have gotten through so much worse.  It's just going to take a little more time than I hoped it would.  

How about a little Stevie Wonder to lighten the mood...  Ahhhh.  Much better.

Something tangible...

I came across a website/organization after clicking on a picture of a necklace I liked on pinterest. The organization is Mamie's Poppy Plates.  This is part of the description on their website:  "Mamie's Poppy Plates is a donation supported non-profit, whose mission is to provide tangible mementos to families who suffer stillbirth or infant death."  What a fabulous thing to do for families!  I know from experience the need for something tangible.  Nineteen years ago I gave birth to my son, Eric.  He was born with severe heart defects and died two days later.  There are no memories of first words, first steps, birthdays, first day of school...I could go on and on.  Giving families something tangible is so important.  Had this organization existed nineteen years ago I would have cherished the memento they provide.

As I was perusing the website I noticed that they are putting on their very first 5K.  Yay!  A race!  I love a race!  So, I registered and will be running.

I feel odd putting all this personal stuff out there for everyone (okay, my friends.  haha) to see, but this is something that is very close to my heart.  Go to the website and check them out.  If you can, register for the race.  I'll be there!

http://www.mamiespoppyplates.com/#

Ack! Where did the time go...

 My oldest daughter graduates from high school today.  How does this make me feel?  Sad, happy, proud.  How did this happen?  It seems that time went by so fast.   She was my special baby girl.  She helped me (without her even knowing) get through the loss of my son.  It’s hard to dwell on suffering and grief when you have a little bundle of feistiness and energy.  And she was feisty.  “Spirited” is how I described her.  She is still that way.  I am so proud of her.  She has turned into such an amazing person.  She’s smart, beautiful, funny, goofy as all get out, and compassionate.  I could go on and on.  She is…her.  And she’s not going to change who she is for anyone.  She stays true to herself and her beliefs.  She’s the confident person I wish I had been at that age.  I love her with all of my heart. 

I’m going to cry tonight at graduation.  I’m not one to show my emotions in public, but tonight I don’t think I’ll be able to stop myself.  I need to remember tissues.  

I don't know where I'm running now, I'm just running on

I wouldn't say my life is interesting right now.  It's settled into a sad state of boring.  Under my happy outer coating lies a sad nougat filling.  I'm hoping that gets better sometime soon.  Changes are coming.  For the better, I hope.  

One thing that has helped me is running.  Running never lets me down.  I get out of it what I put in.  Right now I'm not putting near enough into it.  

I did become a Marathon Maniac recently.  That seed was planted during the Little Rock Marathon in March.  I ran much of the marathon beside one of my local running buddies who happened to be running her first race as a Maniac.  The Maniacs wear bright yellow Maniac shirts to races.  This allows them to know other Maniacs when they come across them.  The support and friendship between Maniacs is wonderful!  They might not know who you are, but they will cheer you on and make a point to say "hey!"  Because of this experience, I decided that I wanted to be a Marathon Maniac!  With the help of some great running friends, I was able to do just that.  Three marathons in 43 days.  Woo-hoo!  I'm super excited about this accomplishment and can't wait until I run my first marathon in my very own yellow shirt.  

This brings me to great running friends.  My running friends are the best.  When you run in a group, you talk.  So I talked.  They listened.  They still like me.  They still run with me.  They make me see that I'm not such a bad person.  I'm human.  Without them and running, I may have gone off the deep end.  

Next up in this disjointed bit of writing is school.  I'm leaving my school.  I'm leaving the teaching program.  This will be good.  Maybe help the sad.  I will be transferring to a different school.  A different major.  A BIGGER school, which is scary, yet exciting at the same time.  I will miss the friends I've made during my time in the teaching program, but I've got to move on.  

I am hoping to keep up with this a little bit more.  I know it's super exciting reading for everyone!  :)